


Tiens Bon

by contextclues



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir Identity Reveal, Angst, Anorexia, Dead Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir, Depressed Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Letters, Not Canon Compliant, Pain, References to Depression, Sad, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicide, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-03-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:27:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22853212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/contextclues/pseuds/contextclues
Summary: A series Adrien Agreste's letters after his death.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 114





	1. To the Public and the Media:

Salut, Paris.

Is that too informal for a letter like this? It's too early in the morning for me to care. 

Imagine me not caring about the quality of a public statement for once. And about the most important one of my life, too. 

First time for everything, as everyone likes to say.

I guess this will be my first time saying goodbye to all of you.

I want to die. I want to die so deeply and so terribly I don't know what I'd do if I survive this, except maybe try again.

I've stopped living with a purpose. Every day seems like just one more step, 24 more lagging hours until the inevitable.

This has been haunting me for so long, I don't want to try and fix it anymore. 

I can't live like this, I don't even want to live like this. I've been delaying this for a long time, waiting for the moment everything will click into place and I can start remembering just why it is that I keep waiting.

I've never gotten what I wanted, so please let me just have this one selfish moment without judgement.

That's all I've ever wanted.

For the public to stop watching me for just a single breath. 

Lately, I've been struggling to breathe anyway.

And it comes with the territory, I think. 

This is so much bigger than I ever thought it would be. It's so much bigger than I ever _wanted_ it to be, but that doesn't matter.

Because when you're way up high, in the spotlight? Nobody asks what you want. You're given what they expect you to want. Life is three steps ahead of me, waiting to open my car door. 

I never wanted to be famous. I never wanted to spend my childhood growing up in my bedroom. I never asked to be a star, and I wouldn't wish my life on anyone.

I would say I miss being on the ground but I never got a chance to feel it. 

Never got the chance to see the sunrise or the leaves fall. 

There are a few things I'm going to miss.

Please, my only request is you leave them alone. You ruined every chance I had at living life, please don't ruin these. 

If I loved you, you know who you are. All of you have personal letters in the second drawer of my desk. 

Ladybug, I don't know if you were a fan of mine. If you were, and if you're hearing this, I've left my ring for you - You know where.

I know admitting to the public who I was is probably a bad idea, but I don't know how else to tell you right now. 

It shouldn't matter anyway. I'll be long dead before that information is dangerous. 

I'll miss you the most of all. You were my best friend. 

If it interests you, I left you a note, too. It's with the ring. Again, you know where. 

Fame is ugly. When your words are supposed to be powerful, anything you say is a declaration of war against someone or other.

Perfection is not the goal. It is not a shiny achievement so, so close if you just work a little bit _harder_. It doesn't exist.

That thought that I'm not enough, that I won't be enough until I'm flawless, and then my father will come see my shows? Or I will deserve happiness or food once I'm perfect? 

That's the mentality that killed me, and is killing so, so many others.

I lied earlier. I said I only have one request - Don't harass those I care about. 

I have one more.

Please, don't kill anyone else.

I don't blame you for my death. None of the paparazzi or reporters are at fault. 

The problem is the system as a whole. 

I was never a celebrity, I was human.

Humans can make mistakes. They can be worn out, and they can die.

Thank you for the opportunity to live the crazy life I did, but I guess I just didn't fit the bill.

Au revoir,

Chat Noir/Adrien Agreste


	2. Hi, Nino

Hi, Nino.

Before I say anything else to you, I need to let you know that I've been wanting this for months. Needing it, even. 

I can't _do_ this, anymore. Everything is so constant and fake and I can't keep _living_ because it's starting to feel like maybe I wasn't really ever made to work properly. I don't feel like when I was born, I was meant to be here for long. 

You were one of the only things in my life that kept me around for as long as I lasted.

I love you, man. 

You love me, too, and I think that's why I have no idea what to say. I've rewritten this a million and one times and every single letter just ends up as some sort of rambling stream of consciousness without me ever saying what I need to say.

I think it's because I don't want to say goodbye to you. 

You always tried so hard for me, you always tried to let me live the life you knew I wanted from the very beginning.

You did everything you could, and when you couldn't, you tried, and that's so much more than anyone had ever done before I met you.

I can't say goodbye to you, Nino. I want to give you the closure I'm giving to other people, a final message and ending and I want to give you everything you deserve, but I'm selfish.

I don't want to let you go. 

I tried to give you as much as you gave me, but I never could, and look at me. Even in death, I can't. 

You loved me more than I deserved. I don't want to tell you why I have to do this and I don't want to make you grieve and I don't want to say bye.

Please, please, all I want for you is to move on. None of this was ever your fault. You tried so hard, you helped so much without even knowing it. It's not that what you did wasn't enough to save me; what you gave me was more than I knew what to do with. 

But I don't think I was meant to last long, everyone can see that. 

I don't want you to miss me. I don't want to cause you pain, because you were the first real good thing in my life.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I love you so much. You know I do.

Thank you for loving me back. 

I don't want to do this to you.

This letter is still not what it should have been, after everything you gave me, you deserve so much better.

But I'm running out of time. I don't think I'll ever know what to say to you, man.

Thank you for introducing me to family.

I'll love you until I'm forgotten.

À la prochaine,

Adrien


End file.
